When I surrendered my life to Christ, He completely healed and transformed my life, so much so, that many people who know me now don’t even realize what I’ve been through.

Before I turned to Christ, one of the first things I remember doing when I started looking for help was that I searched the internet frantically trying to find some answers or at least a glimpse of hope. Sexual abuse is such a hidden, secret thing. It’s very difficult to immediately step out in the open about it.

I still remember that feeling and because of it, I have chosen to use my blog as a place where I can also share some of what God has done in my life to heal me from it. My prayer is that anyone who finds themselves searching, just like I was those many years ago will find this, and find hope. But more importantly that it will point them to Christ, the truest source of all healing.

LGR

If you have experienced abuse in anyway, or know anyone who has, I hope that you will find encouragement in what I share. My prayer is that anyone who has gone through this will be inspired by what God has done in my life and find the courage to take the next step towards wholeness.

I know full well that it can be very overwhelming to confront the deep wounds that abuse leaves behind. But I am living proof that total, complete healing is possible through the power of Jesus Christ and you can live in freedom from the memories, the fear, anger, pain, hurt, and shame.

What I share here is not intended to walk you through the entire process of healing. I’m simply sharing a bit of my story and a collection of posts on some of the key elements that were essential to the healing process in my own life as well as encouragements and resources that may prove helpful.

It is very important (and actually vital) to get connected to a thriving, Bible-believing local church that points you to God’s best for your life. For me personally, it was also very helpful to participate in a Bible-based group study that dealt specifically with sexual abuse. This helped reveal some of the root issues behind the abuse, explain and put some words behind what I was feeling, and helped facilitate the process of healing in my life as I learned how to apply God’s Word to every area of my life.

My hope is that women who have been abused will recognize that trusting in Jesus is the safest place to be, and it is there that we can find the courage to confront abuse with boldness and start living a life of freedom.

Do what you can do, and God will take care of the rest.

Linda

If you’re in the Jacksonville, FL area, I invite you to visit Celebration Church, or until you’re able to locate a great church in your area, watch us online.

It wasn’t until I became an adult that the word “abuse” had even crossed my mind. Growing up, I knew what was happening was wrong, but to call it “abuse” seemed so extreme. I thought that since I wasn’t walking around with bruises all over me, I wasn’t really being “abused”.

I underestimated the affect it had on me and figured I could just leave it all behind me. However, the flashbacks, memories and feelings of fear, anger, hurt, and shame were all painful scars I lived with every day.

I spent the next several years trying to deny it, hide it, move on and forget about it. But in actuality I was just living a life of duplicity – on the outside everything looked great, but deep down inside I was hurting deeply. No matter how much I tried to forget about it, it wouldn’t just “go away” as I’d hoped. I slowly came to realize that even though I had moved away from the abusive environment itself, it was still very much a part of my life – affecting my thoughts and how I viewed life in general as well as other people. I felt completely trapped, but didn’t know where to turn for the answers. Personally, I had never heard a single story about freedom from abuse. In fact – as quite the opposite – anything along those lines was swept under the rug, kept secret, and not for “the whole world” to know.

The church I grew up in was silent about the issue of abuse and my family was in denial it had happened. So I turned to secular counseling for answers. That took me to an even darker place as I was told that the abuse would be a part of me for the rest of my life. I was told I would simply need to accept the fact that I had been abused and it was now a part of me as much as my hair was brown. In fact, I should accept physical side effects as a byproduct.

My life went into a tail spin. I felt hopeless and the pain almost seemed to intensify as time went by. Up until then, I had managed to keep the wounds hidden inside, but now I felt as though they had been opened up and there was nothing I could do about them. No matter what I did, (partying, drinking, etc.) I couldn’t seem to dull the pain of them anymore. I felt as though I was walking through life completely vulnerable to triggers that would bring back some of the painful memories – memories that felt like raw salt into those open wounds.

Finally, when my marriage was literally at the brink of divorce, and I was at the point of losing everything I had, I came to Christ in all my brokenness and with the weight of all this baggage. I hurt so bad that all I could do was become completely transparent with the pain and the hurt. I had nothing to hide anymore, quite frankly I didn’t care what people thought – as far as I was concerned, there was no more hiding it – I just knew I needed relief. I came to God with only a question – “Can You do anything with this?” And He Did.

It was then that I completely surrendered my life to Christ. And from the moment I did – nothing was off limits to Him. I was raw. I was real. I hid nothing – no compartment in my heart, none of the pain, none of the anger, none of the emotions. Of all the people that had let me down and failed me up until this point, I knew I was safe with God, so I opened up to Him completely. It was in the safety of God’s presence and with Godly people teaching me and helping me along the way that I slowly let go of all the painful memories and hurts associated with my abuse. Piece by piece, bit by bit, I exposed all the areas of pain, healed from them and replaced them with the truth in God’s Word. A complete transformation took place in my mind, will and emotions, and today I live free from the pain, fear and shame.

When I think about the abuse, I compare it to a scar that I’ve had on my right hand for several years. I can still remember the day it happened. I still remember what I was wearing and where I was, but the wound has healed now, and all that is left is – a scar. Just as the mobility of my hand is no longer limited or controlled by the pain of the deep cut, it’s the same with the abuse. I still remember it. I still remember the people who hurt me. I still remember the pain, shame and fear I used to feel – but none of that has any control over me anymore. My thoughts are no longer seized by fear or shame. I no longer live vulnerable to triggers that cause pain, hurt or flashbacks. I’m completely free.

I am living proof that God can free, heal and restore the pain and innocence that abuse steals away. However, for His work to become active in our lives – we must meet Him with our response of total surrender. For a person who has been abused, surrender seems like such an unnatural response – in fact, it’s as if our natural instincts are more to “toughen up”. But as someone who has been there, I can assure you that when our response is that of complete, unhidden openness – He will do a work in you and through you that is far beyond whatever you think could even be possible.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. “ 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

As I mentioned a bit in my testimony, when I finally broke away from the abusive environment of my past, I had all the best intentions to start fresh and change the course of my future. I held on to the little glimpse of hope that things would be different going forward and I set out thinking that it would simply be a decision, a choice, to live differently. I believed that if I simply tried to put it all behind me and just forget about it, time would eventually heal all the hurts and the memories would somehow just fade away.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that what I really needed was to overcome what had happened to me, not run away from it. I was instead hoping that eventually, I would outrun it or run far away enough to where I could no longer hear it, feel it or even sense it. But the truth was that I had to turn around, face it and overcome what it had done to my life. As scary as that was, it was in this moment that I realized my need for Jesus greater than ever before. The only way I was going to be able to face this head on and not back down or settle for anything less was with someone much stronger than me and with someone who had all the right answers standing right beside me, holding my hand the whole way through. I can’t imagine what would have become of my life if I would have simply given into the lie that it could never get better, or that it would simply go away over time. To this day, whenever I hear women who have been abused allow that lie to settle in their hearts, it strikes such a strong nerve in my core I can hardly stand it.

The journey to healing looks different for every single person. But regardless of the story or the journey, the goal is the same: Overcoming. Every person’s story is different and unique. Abuse strikes in such a deep way at the very core of our being, and it wounds each person in a different way. Starting the journey towards healing is a walk of faith. You don’t know exactly what’s going to happen along the way, but you step out believing that God has got your back and will guide you.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

While you may not be able to see yourself healed here in the beginning right now, know that it is there up ahead, waiting for you.

Overcoming basically means that even though you can’t change the past, you can change things to make sure what happened in your past doesn’t hinder your future. Through giving these areas to Jesus, He heals and restores the areas where it hurt so deeply. The fact that I was abused is still very much a part of my life and always will be. However – the difference is that now, it’s not a deal to me anymore. It no longer has control over me.

I start out with this topic of overcoming to give you a glimpse of where this journey of healing can lead you. I’m not saying overcoming is a destination where we “arrive in our walk with God” and have it all figured out. Our walk with God is a lifetime journey, and we grow and learn all along the way. But what I am saying is that God can and wants to do a healing work in you from the abuse so that you don’t live life vulnerable to triggers or painful memories from your past.

Know for a fact that God is willing and waiting for you to let Him in and He will be so faithful to meet you right where you are and He will finish the work He begins if you let Him.

I became somewhat numb and disconnected with myself – so much so that I had programmed myself to not respond, even when I was hurting. I suppressed any feeling that left a sense of vulnerability and instead gave energy to “toughening up” and hardening myself in order to create more resilience to endure.

As part of the healing process, grieving was somewhat of a thawing out of those feelings I had somehow frozen almost as immediately as the wound of them was inflicted. For a season, I allowed myself to feel the grief associated with things such as the loss of my innocence and childhood as well as the rejection, abandonment and neglect I felt from those who should have protected me. I allowed myself to process through the fact that it was all so wrong, that it was in fact abuse, and that it should have never happened. To make sure these feelings didn’t get misdirected, I did this in God’s presence through prayer, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me and heal me along the way.

By giving this grief over to God and “purging it” from my heart, I no longer felt the longing of what could have been, or what should have been. God came in and filled that void and as a result, I was able to start looking up and looking towards my future with great hope and anticipation of what’s in store instead of feeling like I missed out on certain parts of my life.

However, while it is healthy for grief to have its season, it’s so important to not get stuck there. That is why I specifically am writing a post about this. I have seen so many women get stuck here, so I share a word of caution.

There is a legitimate need for comfort and relief when coming out of an abusive situation, and while grieving can provide comfort, it does not accomplish the full work of healing and restoration that God has in store. It’s important we not confuse this comfort with the comfort of complete healing. If we misplace this legitimate need and “park it” here, in the arena of grieving, we will stunt our healing process and prevent ourselves from moving forward. We will shift into living in victim mode instead of moving forward towards the victorious life Christ died to give us.

There will come a time when grieving will have had its place but then it’s time to move on. Just be alert that this is an area of vulnerability and don’t convince yourself into staying here longer than you have to.

Here are a few more things about grieving:

• Don’t allow yourself to become completely isolated during this time. While you will need some “alone time” to think through and identify some of those wounds, it’s so important to not isolate yourself completely. Make sure you stay connected to a healthy group of friends and especially to your church.
• Don’t let guilt or shame stop you from being transparent. Especially when hitting tender spots that might trigger feelings of anger, bitterness, and several other emotions that may seem negative, don’t feel bad, guilty or ashamed for feeling or expressing them. The point of this is transparency and identifying areas that you need God to come in and heal. The goal will be to eventually uproot those and replace them with good things, but for now – don’t stuff them away just because you feel ashamed of them. Be real with yourself and be real with God.
• Grief, without hope will lead to despair.  The only way I can describe this is to point your grief in the direction of the promising future God has for you. Even if you don’t know what that future looks like yet, trust in the nature and person of God. For example, “God, it hurts that __________ and I’m really angry about _________, but I’m putting my trust in You, and I know you can heal me of this.” By doing this, you’re putting words behind what you feel, and acknowledging that there’s a hurt there, but you’re also acknowledging your need of God and most importantly yielding to His help in these areas.

I know full well how difficult this can be, but if this is a sticking point for you (and for most it is) then stop here – do not pass go – until you know that you know that you know this is resolved in your heart.

I could share several of the clichés such as “forgiveness is for you, not the other person”, or “forgiveness is a choice” – those are all true, but for now – I’m just going to share how I personally found the ability and freedom to forgive.

Out of the 5 men that abused me, I was able to confront only one of them – at first, he denied the abuse, but then later asked me for forgiveness, and I forgave him right there on the spot. The other 4, I had to learn to forgive even though they had never asked and even though I never had the chance to tell them how badly they had hurt me – each of these 5 required a different level of release, some easier than others.

However, if there was a consistent thread with all of them – if I could say there was one thing that allowed me to forgive, it was my unmatched desire for freedom. When I finally broke away from my abusive environment, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to be free. I had felt so trapped, so controlled, so bound for so many years and regardless of how badly it all hurt, I just wanted to leave it all behind me and not take an ounce of it into my future – and that included all the people who had hurt me. I wanted to heal. I wanted to find my strength. I wanted to start recovering my identity. And I wanted to do that free from the unhealthy ties to all the people who had hurt me. See, with abuse, there is an unhealthy “cord of attachment” that is formed – and forgiveness is what severs that cord and allows us to start moving forward.

Don’t get me wrong, all the same “buts” crossed my mind:

“But, if I forgive, they won’t really accept responsibility for their actions.”
 “But, if I forgive, that means they’re getting away with it”
 “But, if I forgive, they will do it again”
 “But, if I forgive……..”

The possibilities are endless of where those questions could lead, but it’s simply not worth spending our energy thinking of all the reasons why we shouldn’t forgive. There has to be a shift in our focus so that we can instead look at the freedom forgiveness will bring us.

Keeping our eyes on the hope for our future is a key that opens up our ability to forgive, because THAT is what allows us to see that what happened to us in the past does not have to rob us of our future. The hurt, pain and shame that come with abuse can close our eyes and dim our vision of hope. But when we have our eyes set on freedom that can be ours and when we lay hold of the truth that there IS a hope for our future – we will recognize that this gives us the ability to forgive.

I should mention here that when I talk about forgiveness, I’m not excusing situations where legal action may be necessary. There are many times when the extent of the circumstances requires legal consequences. Regardless, we must make sure that in our hearts, forgiveness has occurred.

If forgiveness is a struggle for you, I encourage you to wrestle with this in prayer until you can let it go. Open your heart completely to God. Identify what is causing the gridlock and ask God to help you release it.

“When I become bitter or unforgiving toward others, I’m assuming that the sins of others are more serious than my sins against God. The cross transforms my perspective. Through the cross I realize that no sin committed against me will ever be as serious as the innumerable sins I’ve committed against God. When we understand how much God has forgiven us, it’s not difficult to forgive others.”

C.J. Mahaney

When I totally surrendered my life to Christ, I actually found this scripture to be an encouragement.

As I started working on the areas that had been affected by the abuse, it surprised me at first to find that God also started revealing areas where I had personally allowed sin to creep in. Instead of getting frustrated at this, or trying to justify my actions, I humbly embraced it and that took my relationship with God to a whole other level. I was coming to know Him as healer, but when He corrected me, I was reminded that I was also His daughter now and that He accepted me as His own.

When we’ve been wronged, it can be easy to try and justify our sinful actions or reactions because of what we’ve gone through. However, we must allow – invite even the Holy Spirit to reveal to us any areas in our life that need alignment. Regardless of “why” we started doing certain things or acting and responding in certain ways, we must take responsibility for our own actions and repent of those, then line them up with God’s Word.

As you walk through the healing process, be open to the fact that some of what may need shifting will be your own actions. Embrace them with humility, take comfort in recognizing that God is actively working on the inside of you, and learn the pattern of introspection through the power of the Holy Spirit.

For me personally, choosing to break the cycle of abuse meant stepping out alone at first. Once I got plugged in to a healthy church, I established relationships with spiritual mentors and then slowly started making new friends – healthy friends that loved God. I surrounded myself with people that were an encouragement to me. I still talked to my old friends and family, but I cut back on it quite a bit until I could do so from a position of strength. I didn’t get weird about it, I just knew my vulnerabilities and didn’t want to undermine what God was doing in my life.

I still remember there was an initial feeling of loneliness, but I gave that to God and specifically asked Him to send Godly, healthy people into my life. He did exactly that and to this day, those are still some of the greatest and dearest friends I have, even though we now live miles apart.

First, there were several “big” things and several “smaller” things that God had done so far this year, which as I started listing them I noticed caused an immediate reaction of excitement and encouragement in my spirit.  I recognized how valuable this list was to keep should I hit any moments down the road where I just want to reflect, or start to feel discouraged.

Secondly, I was also able to recognize “dip zones” for lack of better words where perhaps there was a lull or no true evidence of advancement – not that we get to cross finish lines every day of the race, but this made me think about the importance of making sure that I’m at least moving the bar forward in some way every single day.

As I did this exercise, Exodus 20:24 came to mind: “Build my altar wherever I cause My name to be remembered, and I will come to you and bless you.” When we view progress through the right filter – which is glorifying God, celebrating victories become like altars of worship to Him. They are place markers along the way where “God has caused His name to be remembered”, and look at what He says when we do – “I will come to you and bless you”.

From the business standpoint, I’ve always known the importance of tracking progress, but now that God has reminded me that it is also worship, that raises the value of it to another level. So now, there’s a new spot for this list in my binder. Nothing fancy, just easily accessible as well as easily viewable – right there along with all the goals and targets I’ve set for the next year – a place to capture the victories along the way, whether they be big or small. Can’t wait to see what it looks like by the end of the year!

LGR

Then I started to think about my own life. Before getting to the end and realizing I could have done so much more – am I spending my energy on the right things? Am I personally satisfied with the impact I am making? If I could stop for a moment, right now – could I recognize what I needed to be doing differently?

I think as children of God, we highly underestimate the difference we each have the potential of making.

After thinking about this, I made a fresh list of what I have been entrusted with and determined to seek God for even greater vision in each of those areas. My list ranged from family to finances, to all the various things I’m involved with in ministry. When I really look at it all there in front of me, it’s a reminder that I have been given closer to the 5 talents, than the 1, and to whom much is given – much will be required.

In John 15, Jesus told the disciples, “You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.”

Slaves. Friends. Big difference. Yet sometimes I think we can go through life living with a slave mentality. We can slip into a pattern of laziness, trusting in our leaders to get away with God for fresh revelation and vision, while we patiently wait for our marching orders. That’s a slave mentality. That’s a law mentality that says, “Just do what I tell you do to.” It is no different than the old way of having to go through a priest to hear from God. How sad that many of us still function like that when it comes to vision and direction for our lives when the Word says, “He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” All wisdom. All understanding. Friends, not slaves.

Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” The NLT puts it this way, “When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild.” Without seeking God for the revelation ourselves, we perish, we just waste away, never seeing – and thus never living out the potential of all we can be.

God gave His only Son so that none of us would perish. In John 3:16, that word perish not only means to die spiritually, but it also means to render useless. God gave His son not only so that we wouldn’t die spiritually, but so that we would also not be rendered useless!

When we seek God and HE reveals to us what part we play in the vision – nothing can shake that. That is where we start executing from a position of confidence and boldness.

LGR